Self expression: The expression of one’s personality : assertion of one’s individual traits. And there, I’ve been managing to crush my self expression for all these years. Really push it down as far as I can, stamp it down even further. I learned early on to never, ever express myself, my feelings, my thoughts and never my opinions. Doing so would lead to vicious violence at the far end, and ridicule at the lower end.
Over the years I have tried sometimes, to drag myself up from the bottom of the self expression box and, well, express myself. In fiction, writing what I came to realise was in the “weird” genre. But finding that no one, absolutely no one, wanted to read anything I had written. I remember the last writing class I went to before the lockdown. Around ten people around the table, with the tutor. As each person read, there was a little applause, a lot of “oh well done”. It came to my turn, and I read my story. No applause, no “well dones”. The tutor said, yes, well, next. And that was it. I never went back to that class.
I want to write, oh I so want to write. And I know I should just write for myself. But the point of writing is to share it with others. Otherwise it might as well just live rent-free in my head, where I can enjoy it and more importantly, understand it. There is no point in writing it all, and there is a novel waiting around the corner. No point at all if no one else is interested. I mean, no one reads this blog.
So I stamp it well down and jump on it if I have to, to make sure not one little bit is visible. Self expression is a trap and a snare, and is not to be trusted. In the meanwhile, bland, smiling, letter writing, and nothing brave or creative shows. I’m not stupid.